Now let’s see if I can get through this post. As I mentioned yesterday there has been a lot I’ve been feeling called to write but I’ve really been struggling with how much to share. The writing is the easy part for me. When I start to write the words seamlessly unravel across my screen. Hitting the “Publish” is the hard part.
Being a blogger and writing about personal stuff, particularly the not-so-pretty stuff, is when it gets tough. I worry about putting too much out there. Leaving myself too vulnerable for judgement. Worrying… what will people think of me after this? Will someone think less of me? Will a brand maybe not want to work with me? Question after question – doubt layered on doubt. But then I write the post, “proof and pray” as I call it, and build up the courage to send it out in to the world. Hoping some good will come of it – maybe for me or for others. This one is basically all for me. Hoping to find peace. Hoping to find guidance. Hoping to be understood. Praying to be received in love.
The last two weeks have been too much. I know they say God only gives you what you can handle but I don’t think I can handle any more. I feel like it has all been piled on top of me and I’m buried – trying to figure out what to do. I have moments where I am solidly in my faith, comforted in God and moments where I allow myself to forget what He has promised me – and frankly I’m in the latter spot right now.
I don’t feel like I’m the same person anymore. And I don’t feel like I can go back to who I was but don’t know who this person is. OR what I’m supposed to DO about it. And that scares me.
I admit that I’m a worrier (and that’s still the same). I’ve always been and I think it got worse with becoming a mother. So many other people to worry about and then I don’t just worry about that day but the next day, and the next, and a zillion weeks from then. Since the stroke I’ve been FILLED with anxiety. It’s so bad that I have to make myself just NOT think about it. Think about ANYTHING other than those moments in the house. I thought that with the hole closure I’d feel better. But it’s almost worse. I think prior to the surgery I had to run around getting things done (doctor appointments, medical records transferred, running to Houston and back, sick baby, etc) so I never processed anything. Now it all feels like it’s crashing down on me.
I’m worried about what does this mean for my life long term? Let’s not beat around the bush – my heart is a wreck. I’ve got a pacemaker keeping it from stopping or going hyper speed and now an implanted device covering a hole. It’s like being a robot. I can’t help but think it’s not good that we’ve messed with my heart so much.
On top of all that, now that I’ve had a stroke and have a blood clotting disorder I don’t see my doctors letting me get off blood thinners. This could potentially mean a very strict change in how I live my life. Things that I love doing like skiing could be taken away from me due to the dangers of bleeding. With the blood thinners I’m on even a fall or a hard hit could cause internal bleeding.
I’m 32-years-old and I’ve always fought to live the life that I want to live. I don’t want to live a life with restrictions.
Above all – I worry about my family. Daddy Russ married me, “For better or for worse. In sickness and in health.” And he’s had to go through too much of the “worse” and “sickness” part with me. It’s all been a lot on our marriage. I know how hard it is to be in my shoes but I can only imagine how hard it is to be in his. To have to call 911 because I’m home alone with his children and I’ve had a stroke. To watch them take me in to an operating room. To have to sit there and wait praying that all goes well. To have had to see the trauma teams rushing in to my room and telling him he can’t go in. And he’s done much of this MULTIPLE TIMES. I HATE how much I’ve put on him. I HATE how he’s constantly forced to take over when I can’t. I hate the word hate but that is literally how strong I feel right now. Of course, I know he loves me and that’s what love is about. But that doesn’t mean I like it.
And my boys. How much of their lives will I get to see? How much of these last two weeks will Luke remember? I HATE that he saw me being put in to an ambulance. I HATE that I’m now scared to be alone with them (or being alone at all for that matter). While I’m young and relatively healthy I think my body will be fine – but what’s going to happen to me as I get older?
I’m so horrified of having another stroke. I’m so grateful that things turned out how they did but am so TERRIFIED knowing how they COULD have turned out.
Those boys deserve a mommy. Daddy Russ deserves a wife and PARTNER and right now I feel like the worse partner ever.
Frankly, I could just scream I’m so overwhelmed with these thoughts. And I’m not sure if it’s good that I wrote them down and I’m not sure it’s going to be good if I hit publish.
I’m letting myself have a weak moment and letting it all out. And then I know I need to try and wrap it all up and give it away to God. Kinda just like how it feels to hit publish and send my fears in to the “unknown.”
Of course yesterday, God was perfect in his timing because my daily devotional was titled, “Worry Wastes Life.” I mean… wow. He does it to me every time (read it here). I gained comfort from it for a bit and then have let myself fail and fall back in to my anxiety and melancholy (my computer crashed this morning which didn’t help at all).
I’m sorry everyone. This post sucks. I didn’t know another way to write it. And maybe I shouldn’t have. We’ll see.
It’s just been a lot. I’ll figure it out though. I’m sure me being so tired and away from my three boys isn’t helping. I still know who has me in His hands. You are all probably tired of reading about all this blah-ness in my life right now! Thank you for hanging in there with me until I get to a better place.
I believe God has something in store for me. He has plans that have yet to be revealed and I hope to fulfill those. To find who I am NOW – post all this. In the meantime, as the devotional says I need to “breath in peace and exhale worry.”