When there is something weighing on my heart and mind I write about it. But for the past couple of weeks I have been so paralyzed with fear that I’ve barely been able to talk about it, much less write about it. Tonight I’m sitting on the couch in the dark. The kitchen light is on and it is giving me just enough light to type by. It’s so quiet in the house that I can hear the refrigerator humming. Daddy Russ and Luke are both asleep. And sleep just won’t find me.

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It just turned midnight and I can’t get my mind to stop thinking about it. I’m having a heart procedure tomorrow. I’m writing from such a place of fear that if I allow myself to think about it too much I feel like I’m suffocating. Today I dropped Luke off at Mother’s Day Out at church and spoke with the director to let her know what was going on since Luke wouldn’t be there the rest of the week. As I was talking to her I could feel the knot start building up in my throat and the tears about to escape. I quickly finished talking to her and then starting walking as rapidly as I could down the hallway. I tucked my head hoping to become invisible to the other mothers and rushed past everyone as the tears started falling down my cheeks. I got in the car and just started sobbing gasping to catch my breath.

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I know that I am allowing Satan to just infiltrate me with this fear but I can’t seem to shake it. I talked to my mom about it and she continues to try and comfort me and tell me to find a place of comfort and peace. And that I need to be well for my son.

I’ve had heart procedures before but this one is so different. I can’t help but think what if something happened to me?  I have so much love for my husband and know that I could never show him the depth of it. And there is a little person in my life who depends on me so much.

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Ugggh…it just won’t stop. Again and again I question, what if something happened to me?

I’d need someone to tell my little boy that his mommy loved him more than waking up in the morning.

I’d need someone to have dance parties with him, play cars endlessly and have picnics in the backyard.

I’d need someone to teach him to see life with wonder and joy and teach him that God is with him always.

I’d need someone to teach him about forgiveness, grace and to laugh as often as possible.

I’d need someone to help him grow, thrive and become a well-rounded man.

I’d need someone to make his dreams come true.

I’d need someone to help him remember me.

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I could just go on and on and feel so overwhelmed right now by these thoughts. I keep praying and praying for strength and serenity. And I’m going to keep praying. Will you please pray for me too?

I know that everything will go well and God will guide the doctor’s hands and this is all in his plan. I just need to win this battle with my fear. I know many parents face these fears on a daily basis. My heart goes out to them. As parents we are bound in an unspoken, immeasurable love.

Forgive me for being dramatic. Forgive me for this fear and sadness today. As you know, it’s my sTORI and sometimes there are sad chapters. I know a rejoiceful chapter is just a page away.

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This is my sTORI being written as you read. – Love, Mommy Tori

 

52 Responses

  1. Kassie

    You are in my prayers all day. Always remember that God’s plan for you will work out and you are loved and that today, tomorrow and even the next day that your friends and family are here for you.

    Feed your faith and your fears will starve to death. ~Author Unknown

    Reply
    • tori@torijohnsonpr.com

      I’ve never heard that quote but it is truly perfect for me today! I’m going to write it down!

      Reply
    • tori@torijohnsonpr.com

      Thank you so very much as always, Colleen!! I’m so blessed to have so many wonderful friends and family.

      Reply
  2. Tammy S.E.

    Sending you my thoughts and prayers. God never gives us more then we can handle, and even when we think it’s hard or scary, he gives us the courage and strength to get through everything.

    Reply
    • tori@torijohnsonpr.com

      You are so right, Tammy! Sometimes I just need a reminder!! Hugs to you!!

      Reply
  3. Ashleigh

    I think fear is actually a sign of strength. It’s the recognition that we are mortal, it’s the recognition that we have so much more to give, and it’s the recognition that we cannot do it all on our own.

    Hang in there, take a deep breath and let your Creator wrap you up tightly and lovingly in His arms. Let God take that fear and turn it into something beautiful.

    Praying for you.
    Ashleigh recently posted…Pinterest Trends: Colored Wedding DressesMy Profile

    Reply
    • tori@torijohnsonpr.com

      Your words really bring me comfort, Ashleigh. It’s true…we are all mortal and fear is a part of that. Thank you for your friendship! I’m definitely going to let God take my fear and turn it in to something beautiful and perfect!

      Reply
    • tori@torijohnsonpr.com

      I certainly will! Thank you, Veronica!

      Reply
  4. Dawn Cole

    Tori, I will be praying for your strong and loving heart tomorrow.

    Reply
    • tori@torijohnsonpr.com

      Thank you so much, Dawn. I’m carrying your words from your blog post with me today.

      Reply
  5. Ashley

    You’re in my prayers today. Fear is hard to overcome, but remember He holds you in His hands. I pray for you to find strength and peace and I pray all goes well today.

    If you find the time look up the song “Cover Me” by Mark Condon, it’s a wonderful reminder of God’s peace.

    Reply
    • tori@torijohnsonpr.com

      You just inspired the most perfect moment, Ashley. I was listening to Cover Me and Luke came out of his room with the biggest smile on his face. I could tell he was being drawn to the music. He just started swaying to the music and singing loudly in his “Luke Language.” It gave me chills. I’m pretty sure he was praising God. Thank YOU!!

      Reply
  6. Lilliana

    Tori, I am not having a heart procedure but just like you I have those same thoughts about how my girls would do without me if I wasn’t here or how they’d remember me. It is totally normal to be scared and anxious not because you doubt His plan for your life but because you are human and a MOM. It’s a whole new ballgame when you have littles. Know that your fears are normal and that all of us have you in our prayers. Praying for your health and for the doctors taking care of you.

    Reply
    • tori@torijohnsonpr.com

      Thank you so much for sharing that you are experiencing similar fears as well. As a mom I think our fears encompass so many other people that they can truly be overpowering. It makes me feel so much better to know that these fears are shared by others. Thank you for your comment and for your prayers.

      Reply
  7. REBECCA

    Oh Tori…I know all too well how you feel. Continue to speak life over yourself…i know it’s difficult. I will be praying for you!!

    Reply
    • tori@torijohnsonpr.com

      I really like how you say, “Speak LIFE over yourself.” I’m going to do exactly that!! Big hugs to you old friend!

      Reply
  8. Amy

    Aw, I’m definitely going to be praying for God to guide the hands that operate, for a safe surgery, and a speedy, uncomplicated recovery. I’ve worked on cardiac floors and have been in a few cardiac surgeries and procedures. It is a humbling experience working with the magnificent heart, but cardiac healthcare providers are such skilled and passionate people. Good luck and don’t worry, you’ll be back to dance and play with your son ! 😉

    Reply
    • tori@torijohnsonpr.com

      Thank you new friend! It’s true….cardiologists are some of the most incredible people on Earth! I’m so grateful to have such a wonderful surgeon. Many thanks for the kind words.

      Reply
  9. Lori

    You are in my thoughts and prayers. You are brave for writing an sharing all your feelings.

    Reply
    • tori@torijohnsonpr.com

      Thank you, Lori! I definitely wish I felt brave!! I’m really trying though!

      Reply
    • tori@torijohnsonpr.com

      I really appreciate the prayers so much!

      Reply
  10. Amanda R.

    Thinking good, happy thoughts for you…Thank you for sharing something so scary.Hopefully it’s lightened your load a little.

    Reply
    • tori@torijohnsonpr.com

      Thank you, Amanda! I always say that writing is the best therapy! Sometimes we just have to force ourselves to write about things we don’t want to.

      Reply
  11. Melanie McKinley

    Dear Tori,

    We are praying for you….for strength and comfort and a beautiful surgery. It is so hard, but do not let fear find you…..God is with you through it all.

    These are a couple of my favorite verses…

    “Be still and know that I am God.” Psalm 46:10

    For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

    Keep us posted!
    All of our love and prayers,
    Melanie & Seth

    Reply
    • tori@torijohnsonpr.com

      Hi sweet, Melanie! All of these are bringing me peace. Thank you so much for sharing them.

      Reply
  12. gmaj

    Tori, I love you so much, as does the rest of your family! We are praying for you and the surgical team. Remember, God has his hands on you to comfort and heal you! Read Psalms 91, it is very comforting during tough times!

    Reply
    • tori@torijohnsonpr.com

      I love you Grandma Joyce! Such a wonderful Psalm. I love this part…”He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart. You will not fear the terror of night,nor the arrow that flies by day.

      Reply
  13. Michelle Cantu

    Hugs and millions of prayers Tori!! I am ALWAYS a phone call away girl, please don’t hesitate to call me. Love to you

    Reply
  14. tina

    Joshua 1:9
    This is my command—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.”

    THE WORD OF GOD IS OUR SWORD AGAINST EVIL….MEDITATE ON THIS VERSE.

    I LOVE YOU AND AM PRAYING FOR YOU!!!!! GOD BLESS YOU TORI!

    Reply
    • tori@torijohnsonpr.com

      Amen! Thank you, Vicki! I really appreciate your comment and prayer!

      Reply
  15. Reyna Flores

    Tori I ask God to put his hands over to protect you, I ask him be with your doctor’s and to guide their hands and mind. May he Help you get through this quickly so you can enjoy all the things a mother and wife should. I love you Tori and I miss you so much. May God send you all of his Blessings.

    Always a friend
    Reyna Flores

    Reply
    • tori@torijohnsonpr.com

      They you so much! I miss you too! It’s been way too long!!

      Reply
    • tori@torijohnsonpr.com

      Thank you so very much, Daliene! I certainly love being a mommy!

      Reply
  16. Neven

    Praying for you Tori. It’s great that you found the strength to write about this, I hope it helped you feel less scared.

    Reply
    • tori@torijohnsonpr.com

      Thank you so much, Neven. It truly did help! I was able to take a huge deep breath when I finished! And I could feel my fear wash away as I read the kind comments from everyone!!

      Reply
  17. JoAnn

    Tori, well wishes and prayers for total peace to envelope you and your wonderful family.
    Psalm 121 is a favorite, where we are reminded that the Lord who created heaven and earth never slumbers or sleeps.
    How great is that! HE will be on duty during your procedure.
    Love,
    JoAnn

    Reply
    • tori@torijohnsonpr.com

      Psalm 121 is perfection! Thank you for sharing it with me! I particularly like where it says, “Lord watches over you — the Lord is your shade at your right hand; the sun will not harm you by day,nor the moon by night.”

      Reply

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