When there is something weighing on my heart and mind I write about it. But for the past couple of weeks I have been so paralyzed with fear that I’ve barely been able to talk about it, much less write about it. Tonight I’m sitting on the couch in the dark. The kitchen light is on and it is giving me just enough light to type by. It’s so quiet in the house that I can hear the refrigerator humming. Daddy Russ and Luke are both asleep. And sleep just won’t find me.
It just turned midnight and I can’t get my mind to stop thinking about it. I’m having a heart procedure tomorrow. I’m writing from such a place of fear that if I allow myself to think about it too much I feel like I’m suffocating. Today I dropped Luke off at Mother’s Day Out at church and spoke with the director to let her know what was going on since Luke wouldn’t be there the rest of the week. As I was talking to her I could feel the knot start building up in my throat and the tears about to escape. I quickly finished talking to her and then starting walking as rapidly as I could down the hallway. I tucked my head hoping to become invisible to the other mothers and rushed past everyone as the tears started falling down my cheeks. I got in the car and just started sobbing gasping to catch my breath.
I know that I am allowing Satan to just infiltrate me with this fear but I can’t seem to shake it. I talked to my mom about it and she continues to try and comfort me and tell me to find a place of comfort and peace. And that I need to be well for my son.
I’ve had heart procedures before but this one is so different. I can’t help but think what if something happened to me? I have so much love for my husband and know that I could never show him the depth of it. And there is a little person in my life who depends on me so much.
Ugggh…it just won’t stop. Again and again I question, what if something happened to me?
I’d need someone to tell my little boy that his mommy loved him more than waking up in the morning.
I’d need someone to have dance parties with him, play cars endlessly and have picnics in the backyard.
I’d need someone to teach him to see life with wonder and joy and teach him that God is with him always.
I’d need someone to teach him about forgiveness, grace and to laugh as often as possible.
I’d need someone to help him grow, thrive and become a well-rounded man.
I’d need someone to make his dreams come true.
I’d need someone to help him remember me.
I could just go on and on and feel so overwhelmed right now by these thoughts. I keep praying and praying for strength and serenity. And I’m going to keep praying. Will you please pray for me too?
I know that everything will go well and God will guide the doctor’s hands and this is all in his plan. I just need to win this battle with my fear. I know many parents face these fears on a daily basis. My heart goes out to them. As parents we are bound in an unspoken, immeasurable love.
Forgive me for being dramatic. Forgive me for this fear and sadness today. As you know, it’s my sTORI and sometimes there are sad chapters. I know a rejoiceful chapter is just a page away.
This is my sTORI being written as you read. – Love, Mommy Tori