Four years have passed. Four years since the day that changed my life. Four years ago on July 11th I had a stroke. It was the scariest day of my life – falling to the bathroom floor not able to speak or walk with a baby crawling around me and another child in the car. The weeks following were incredibly difficult as I struggled with aphasia (difficulty speaking) and then heart surgery in Houston to implant a device to cover the hole in my heart. Then there were the complications following the surgery that caused me to end up in ICU. It was a time in my life where I was overwhelmed with FEAR. A fear of dying, a fear of what my life would be after the stroke, a fear of having another stroke. The fear was debilitating. But during those days I found myself closer to God than ever before. I gave Him my fear and little by little my anxiety eased and I found myself in a place of peace. And I told myself then I would NEVER give in to fear again.
Now fast forward four years and today while driving home from Dallas (we were there looking for houses) and I started thinking and it hit me smack in the face. I realized that I’ve been giving in to that same fear again. And I’m so disappointed with myself.
We are in the middle of a pandemic and our entire world is surrounded with fear. I worry about getting this disease and my heart not being able to handle it or having another stroke. I worry about my family getting it. I worry about my company that I worked so hard on. I worry about friends and family members who have lost jobs. I’ve been worrying about whether or not we were going to have to live in an apartment because our home in San Antonio sold and we’d lost two houses already in Dallas in bidding wars. I’ve been crying at watching our country with a massive fracture in it and so many people hurting. I can’t sleep at night sometimes thinking about the world we are leaving our children. Worry. Fear. Anxiety. Repeat. I’ve started letting all of these take over my mind.
And I know better. I know that the spirit of fear comes from the enemy and not from my Father. I know that God always has a plan and it will always work out to His glory.
And once again I know I need to give it all to God.
“For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” 2 Timothy 1:7 NKJV
Sometimes in life we have to learn a lesson multiple times. As humans we inevitably fail and have to try again. But what is really amazing is that we have a Father that understands, accepts our failures and still loves us even when we make Him teach us a lesson repeatedly.
So on this stroke-versary I’m still learning. I’m still growing and trying to become the woman that God has intended me to be. One who chooses faith over fear.