I’m not good at letting go. Particularly when it comes to worry. I like to chew on it a bit. But the last couple of weeks have really taught me the meaning of letting go.
I’ve been wanting to write to update you on me as I felt like I left all of you on such a dreary note after my last personal post (see it here). I’m in so much of a better place now and get better each and every day.
The last couple of weeks have mostly been filled with a lot of resting and recovery. During this time I really had to fight against my natural instinct of trying to do things myself as well as decide that I just can’t do everything I want to do (which also means learning how to say no).
Mentally was where I really had the hardest time letting go. After continuing to be overwhelmed with the fear and anxiety I finally came to a point and said, “Ok Tori – you can either continue to worry about all of this, not be happy and basically waste the gift that God has given back to you.” OR I could LET GO. Let go and give it all to Him.
And that’s what I did. I let Him have it all. All the yuck. All the scary. And guess what… I immediately felt lighter. I finally found peace. I came to realize that I couldn’t control what was going to happen in the future but I did have a fortress to reside and trust in.
And that’s where I am now – I’m in that fortress – healing physically and mentally. Both have been healing slowly but surely. My body is pretty black and blue. With all the blood thinners that I continue to be on the bruising is pretty out of control. As in I have over 50 bruises across my body (no lie – I counted). But besides that I’m starting to get stronger. I was determined to get back at it so I started walking a little bit every day. On the first day I made it to the stop sign and back (only like three houses down but hey it was a start). Then I added on a little bit more every day and now I can walk three miles with a few stops here and there! I’m hoping to be able to start running again soon but don’t want to rush it until the implant is good and stuck!
I also had my first big outing to the Fashion Group International Fall/Winter 2016 Trend event which I was so happy to get to attend and I think it was actually just good for my mind. Not only had I been working on putting it together for forever but I was so happy to see all my fashion friends! I will admit that the next day I felt like I had ran a marathon and had to cancel some meeting to stay at home and rest but it was worth it!
And then yesterday was one of our couple friend’s birthday and our entire group got together for a parent’s night out. We went to dinner and then went country dancing. As you know, dancing is one of my favorite things to do (and I intend to do as much of it as possible). At one point I was dancing with Daddy Russ to George Strait and all of a sudden I couldn’t help but start crying. I was just SO HAPPY that I was on that dance floor, dancing with him. I was so GRATEFUL that God gave me the opportunity to do that again.
And now the biggest excitement! Luke doesn’t know yet but tomorrow Daddy Russ and I are surprising him and taking him to Disneyland in California! We actually purchased tickets a couple days before my stroke and weren’t sure if we were going to be able to go but I was DETERMINED! Even if I have to be pushed around in a wheel chair! It was so incredibly important to me and I have to say, our family could use a little bit of good right now. Plus, Daddy Russ and I wanted to do something special to celebrate Luke starting Kindergarten and he’s in need of some mommy and daddy time of his own.
So friends – as you can see I’m in a better place. This was a prayer that was in my daily devotion earlier this week. I’ve prayed it a couple times and maybe you can join me on this one!
Lord Jesus, I want to see and know You as the loving and caring Father You are. Thank You for Your faithfulness in my life. Thank You for Your unconditional love and unshakable faithfulness. Today, I celebrate the truth that I am Your child and that when I fall, You will be there.
In Jesus’ Name,
Wishing you a very blessed Sunday! Sending my love to you all!