Hello lovelies! Let me tell you how good it is to be home! Hospitals stink!
Yesterday I was able to rest and spend time with family in between one doctor appointment and then being on the phone making about a dozen more. But it was in my own house and I got to dance with Luke around the living room, play ball with Foster, and laugh with Daddy Russ. Just the little things that I have a feeling I’m going to appreciate a lot more now.
I’m still very tired and my headache just doesn’t seem to want to go away but I’m in pretty good spirits most of the time. I’m not going to lie, some moments are a bit harder than others and I keep trying to not let myself get stressed or overwhelmed but sometimes that’s easier said than done.
I have a tiny bit of something called Aphasia – basically it’s word-finding difficulties. Praise God it’s only a tiny bit and gets better every day and the doctors say it will go away 100%. I can carry on a conversation and you would never tell. But if you point at like 20 different things maybe 2 or 3 of the items I’ll get caught up trying to name them. I know that I KNOW what it is but I draw a blank. It will take a moment and then I’ll get it. Super hard to explain.
It’s one of the things bugging me the most and it gets worse if I get tired or upset. I went to Freebirds to get us dinner and I got caught up when they asked me what protein I wanted. I couldn’t say steak for the life of me and the guy kept staring at me and finally I practically shouted, “Beef!” Of course it shook me up, I got flustered and then I had a hard time making it through the entire order. He probably thought I was nuts. I barely paid and made it to my car before I started crying.
But I have full faith that God will make it go away so I’m trying not to dwell. I’ve been kind of ashamed about it and not really wanting to tell anyone but you all know how it helps me to write and everyone has been nothing but kind to me.
I think the hardest thing about stroke recovery for me is the emotional impact. I have to battle against the anxiousness of having another one. I think the closing of the hole in my heart will help me feel less vulnerable. I’ve had a hard time sleeping the last couple of nights because I kept having nightmares. I can only remember one of them and very vaguely but I was in a room and someone had put a net around it so I was trapped. I can remember in the dream telling Daddy Russ that I didn’t like that and could he please take it down.
Obviously – I can see the significance of the dream because that trapped feeling is exactly what I felt like kneeling on the bathroom floor trying to talk. It’s like being trapped inside yourself.
But I know it’s only a dream and I’ll continue to ask God to give me peace and I know he will.
I’m sorry – I’ve let this post get too DREARY! I told you I’m not always strong. But I’m trying to be.
It helps to stay busy, focus on the boys, write and just try to get back to daily life as much as possible.
Tomorrow we are going to make a trip to Houston for a consult with an Interventional Cardiologist who is able to do the transplant to cover the hole so if everyone can start focusing their prayers that everything can go smoothly towards me being able to get this surgery I’d be appreciative.
I’ll try to continue to keep everyone updated here and will start getting some fun fashion and beauty content back in too because it makes me HAPPY! And I plan to be happy as much as possible!
Sending so much love to you all. All of your messages have helped to build me up so much! I’ve been blown away by all of the love and prayers you have sent me. I’m going to keep saying it… THANK YOU!