I wasn’t sure if I’d ever write about this. Actually, as I’m writing this right now I’m not sure I will ever hit publish.
I want another baby. Luke is two, my friends have started having their second babies and I’ve started to catch it…baby fever. That fever that makes you start looking at other expecting moms and remembering the way it felt when your child moved inside of you. That fever that makes you want to swaddle every tiny baby in your arms. That fever that makes you forget all those sleepless nights and exhaustion filled days.
Unfortunately, some of my doctors have advised against it. As you know, I have several heart problems including a pacemaker but I also have blood issues which compound everything. (You can read about my most recent heart procedure here and here). I’m doing pretty good following the last procedure. I was able to get my heart monitor off right before Luke’s birthday and am now working with my awesome team of doctors to keep an eye on everything. Most days I’m great…on days that it decides to act up I just take it a bit easier.
I despise being told that I can’t do something. I’ve always dreamed that I’d have three boys. I’ve always wanted to have this big, loud family full of craziness, excitement and love. Part of me thinks I could totally do it. But maybe God just intended it to be just us three. I think that deep down Daddy Russ is scared of something happening to me if I got pregnant again. The poor guy has been right by my side through so much with me. He has been at every single heart surgery I’ve ever had; even the first ones when we were just dating. And he was with me every step of my pregnancy which included 7 months of hyperemesis gravidarum (ie. puking my guts up constantly) and then a scary day on the cardiac floor following Luke’s birth. I know he worries about me a lot.
Please don’t think me ungrateful. I’m so so so grateful for the child that we do have. There are so many people out there trying to have babies and they would do anything for just one. And I certainly know the most important thing is for Luke to have TWO healthy parents. But I still can’t help that yearning that creeps in to have another child.
I keep hoping it will go away. I know I just need to get on my knees and pray about all this…I’m going to stop typing and pray about it right now. It’s truly is in God’s hands. Children are such blessings…true GIFTS from GOD.
This is my sTORI being written as you read. – Love, Mommy Tori