The weeks preceding my birthday I hate to even say it but I was really struggling with some depression (unrelated to my bday). I despise that word. It makes me feel weak and, frankly, ungrateful. I’m so very blessed but if I’m honest, occasionally, I’ll find myself in a dark place. I’ve had a lot going on with work, life and motherhood and the stress had become insurmountable. So much was happening all at once and in the blink of an eye I found myself in a vicious sinkhole.
An evening right before my 30th birthday the proverbial s**t hit the fan and I found myself sitting in the dark, knees drawn to my chest, sobbing. I was hurting and feeling the bitterness eating away at me. Needless to say, it was a bad night topping off a bad couple of days.
Then the morning of my 30th birthday came around. My depression didn’t go away with the sunrise and I found myself not really wanting to get out of bed. Instead I laid there just looking out the window and listening to Daddy Russ and Luke bustling around in the living room. It got quiet for a while and I gradually drifted back off to sleep. I’m not sure how long I was asleep but I heard the front door open and close and some more loudness in the kitchen again. I told myself it was time to get up and climbed out of bed. As I trudged in to the kitchen my heart began to warm as I saw a little mini birthday party all set up for me from my two men. Balloons, cake, cards, decorations, breakfast…the works! It just reminded me that such love was waiting for me.
The next two days I prayed a lot and decided I needed to focus on my family and getting centered. We took Luke to our friend’s ranch and while Daddy Russ hunted Luke played in the dirt and I re-prioritized and tried to climb out of that sinkhole. I wish I could say that I pulled myself out of that sinkhole gracefully. But the only grace involved was the grace that I received from God who was bringing light back in to my life.
This is my sTORI being written as you read. – Love, Mommy Tori
God’s grace is beyond all things. He is good, all the time.
You’re a courageous woman Tori…your ability to share your vulnerability with others is uplifting as I know so many of us often fall into a funk of sadness at times. You’re brave to share your struggles and I know your story is one that many can relate to and appreciate. Thank you for sharing and reminding us all that there is only One place where we can find peace and complete happiness in life and that is through God and his grace. We just have to seek Him out.
I really appreciate your comment, Liesl! It really took me a while to actually decide to write about this but I try to be truthful to my readers. It’s not always rainbows and glitter! But it makes me feel a lot better reading such a kind comment like yours!
Tori, thank you for sharing your story. Many of us struggle with depression and your vulnerability allows others to feel okay about their issues. XOXO
Thank you for reading, Alicia. It’s definitely not one of my proudest moments to write about but I felt that in order for there to be true sincerity and honesty on the blog it’s important to talk about the good and bad.
Thank you so much for sharing and being real on such a taboo topic. I struggle with depression myself from time to time and it always helps to know I’m not the only one.
I really appreciate you commenting. Depression truly is a taboo topic. I, personally, believe everyone struggles from depression every now and then. It’s extremely hard for people to talk about though (including myself). Definitely know that you are not alone!! Big hugs!
Hang in there kiddo! Lots of people love you and many of us have been there. The only way is up! Pretty or not the exit from the whole is in your reach and a cutie blonde is there waiting with a hug.
Thank you! That little man can always put a smile on my face!
Tori, thank you for sharing! You are not alone 🙂 I’ve had to let go and let God. One day I’ll have the courage to share my story!
You are very welcome and thank YOU for the kind words!
Tori! Never feel ashamed! Not only is it healthy to share but it makes everyone else who keeps up with your blog feel normal because we ALL go through it. I know what it’s like and share that same guilt when I go through times like that because I too have been very blessed but it is inevitable. Embrace your feelings so you can work through them and change anything that needs to change. A lot of hugs and kisses.
Awww!! Thank you sweet girl! It’s tough being a mom and trying to do it all. There is so much that we want to succeed in that inevitably we get overwhelmed! Always helps to know I’m not alone!
Tori, I feel for you, but know that you’re not alone. That’s the thing about life, it brings down even the mightiest of the mighty because we were created as creatures with feelings, not robots – which is what brings us to the beauty of humanity. 🙂 The thing is not to stay in the darkness too long and it seems like you are working on finding your way out. I personally turn to prayer, meditation and good friends and like you, share my story on my blog :). Hang in there and remember, the great thing about every stormy sky is that the sun is always there (even though you may not be able to see it), waiting for the chance to shine down on you. 😀
Such a perfect comment that really stuck to me this morning! Thank you!!