The weeks preceding my birthday I hate to even say it but I was really struggling with some depression (unrelated to my bday). I despise that word. It makes me feel weak and, frankly, ungrateful. I’m so very blessed but if I’m honest, occasionally, I’ll find myself in a dark place. I’ve had a lot going on with work, life and motherhood and the stress had become insurmountable. So much was happening all at once and in the blink of an eye I found myself in a vicious sinkhole.
An evening right before my 30th birthday the proverbial s**t hit the fan and I found myself sitting in the dark, knees drawn to my chest, sobbing. I was hurting and feeling the bitterness eating away at me. Needless to say, it was a bad night topping off a bad couple of days.
Then the morning of my 30th birthday came around. My depression didn’t go away with the sunrise and I found myself not really wanting to get out of bed. Instead I laid there just looking out the window and listening to Daddy Russ and Luke bustling around in the living room. It got quiet for a while and I gradually drifted back off to sleep. I’m not sure how long I was asleep but I heard the front door open and close and some more loudness in the kitchen again. I told myself it was time to get up and climbed out of bed. As I trudged in to the kitchen my heart began to warm as I saw a little mini birthday party all set up for me from my two men. Balloons, cake, cards, decorations, breakfast…the works! It just reminded me that such love was waiting for me.
The next two days I prayed a lot and decided I needed to focus on my family and getting centered. We took Luke to our friend’s ranch and while Daddy Russ hunted Luke played in the dirt and I re-prioritized and tried to climb out of that sinkhole. I wish I could say that I pulled myself out of that sinkhole gracefully. But the only grace involved was the grace that I received from God who was bringing light back in to my life.
This is my sTORI being written as you read. – Love, Mommy Tori